My Son's Eyes

Have you ever loved someone so much you could just stare into their eyes forever? Like that feeling that time doesn't matter any more, the world feels weightless, and everything else- every worry, every care melts away, when you just sit and stare. I get that way daily with my wife, even with 4 years of marriage I still love staring into her eyes. But with the addition of our son Jacoby I find my eyes delighting in the unbroken stare of another.

I don't know what it is about the eyes and what it communicates to my heart, but when I have contact with someones eyes to invokes feelings of value, respect, and with added length admiration, comfort, love. I have three Great Loves in my life- God, my wife, and my son. I have always wanted a son, to know the feeling of being a Father like God of a precious son and to imagine the heartache of losing him, or like God watching him die innocently. But each day my heart breaks in the presence of my son, why? I can never stare into his eyes long enough.

My son is so active, always fidgeting, restless in his mind and actions. When he is in my arms he uses one hand to cling to me and the other to push his torso away so he can look at other things. Often I just walk with him and stare at the back of his head wishing he would look at me and see I am better than everything else out there because no one loves him more than I do.

As we did bible time together, prayed, and sang a song of worship my heart overjoyed to know he would be like Timothy, knowing scriptures from infancy (2 Timothy 3:15). I do everything in my power to daily impress the Lord on his little mind, heart, and body. No one loves him more than I do and as we sit and play I stare, making baby noises trying to gain his attention and I do for a moment- but just as fast as it came, it leaves. Never long enough for me to fully enjoy- I don't know if any length of time would be enough for me to say I am satisfied. I just want him to know, want him to feel it in my eyes, to see his eyes light up as he gets it and realizes all I desire to give him, how much love I have for him. But then his head breaks hard left and its over.

It was in that moment God awakened me to the reality of my devotional life- my time in the scripture, in prayer, in seeking the Lord. How quick I am to break my neck to see something other than God? To stare for hours at nothing and miss the gaze of what my heart desires. That just when God is beginning to enjoy me and my fellowship with him and he wishes I'd stay forever, I chase something else.

It breaks my heart to imagine my son going through life being an infant and too foolish to stare into my eyes, but maybe when he's 3 or 4- then we can stare and maybe I can hold him and cuddle for hours. But when will that seem dumb or "gay" to him, become to cool for me, look me in the eyes when he is 14 in pride and say he knows better than I do and wants to make his own choices. Becomes his own man- maybe now walking with the Lord, but yet won't look me in the eyes because it's awkward. Will the day finally come on my deathbed? As I speak my final words to him? I pray not. What will it take to get him to look into my eyes and see.... No body loves him like I do.